So I have been home for one month and one day. And it has been a whirlwind of a month. Yet, it feels like it has been forever since I have been in Haiti. Last summer was so overwhelming when I came home I had such a hard time being content where I was. This time I have adjusted much better but I have not been thinking of Haiti (on purpose). Whenever I think of it I feel so sad. I feel so heartbroken. I miss the sweet faces of the kids that I saw every single day. I miss kissing their foreheads and saying "Mwen renmen ou" (I love you) or "Jezi renmen ou" (Jesus loves you) on a daily basis. I got to love and be loved on by them and now I feel disconnected. And honestly I am not really sure I can ever be over that type of sadness. I long to be with them more than anything. To love, to protect, and to simply live life with them. It is so hard to be away. They are my family and it is so difficult. I really can't explain it adequately. Today I decided to print pictures from the summer and it prompted me to write out some of the emotions that came with that chore. Seeing the faces and smiles of the people I love with all of my heart brought me right back to that "feet on the soil" feeling. And so far I had avoided this in order to feel okay, honestly, in order to not upset myself. But there is no avoiding it.
I miss them with all of my heart. And no matter how amazing my life in America is I can't help but miss them. I want to share my experiences with them. I want them to know that I still love them even though I am not present physically.
But God is so good. He gave me the best friend I have ever had in my life to share in this time with me. She is honestly the reason that I haven't had a full breakdown. She is there for me with all of my emotions, with all of my tears, with all of my heartache. She knows me and understands my heart. And honestly without her I would be lost. God is so good. She desires depth and challenges me when I am wrong. She makes me better. God is so good. He gave me accountability and friendship and a sister that I needed in the time I needed it most. God is so good.
Through all of this I still worry. I still stumble. I still make the wrong decision. I still find myself needing more. I still find myself desiring to wander. I still feel weak and unable to find my way. I have no idea where I am going. I have began a journey and I don't know where the finish line is. I don't know what is down the road. But God is so good. He knows. And my security has to come from that. I have to learn to live passionately. I have to learn to be alive. And live exactly where I am today.
I have begun a devotional called "Whispers of Hope" by Beth Moore. And most of the days are very good but today was great. It talked about how God's love is so stubborn that He still loves us despite what we do. Despite who we choose. He still chooses us even when we don't choose Him. Honestly, I find myself choosing something other than God every single day. I choose to live in the memories of my Haiti home. I choose to live in the chaos of church ministry. I choose to live in the world most days. But God is so good. He is so stubborn that He still loves me. He still pursues me.
That is what I live for. That is worth being alive.
