New Year. New Adventure.

This year has been something that I really could never have expected. In December 2013, I moved back to Port St. Lucie to do online classes at Moody Bible Institute. During this year, I got the chance to fall in love with a church family and connect so deeply with so many. I have been supported and encouraged so much this year. I got the opportunity to dive into ministry. For the past four months I have been working as the Worship and Youth Leader at Sent Life Church. It has been so great to be involved in ministry and using the gifts God has given me. I have fallen in love with all the youth kids. It has been so amazing getting to know them and grow closer with them. But also watching them grow has been such a blessing. The people that have surrounded me have truly become my family. I have loved everything about this past year spent with these people.

That is why it is so hard to announce that I will be moving to Tennessee at the end of December. God has opened the doors for me with an amazing opportunity to pursue a Biblical education at Johnson University in Knoxville. I have been praying about this so much and I feel like God has made it so evident to me that this is where the next chapter of my life is going to take place. I will be majoring in Intercultural Studies with a Missions concentration. I also have the opportunity to live with my aunt and uncle so I am very excited about the opportunity to serve and love on them. I am so excited for the new opportunities that I will have and the new life I am going to begin. But leaving the life that I love so much here in Port St. Lucie is going to be very difficult. The people I love are here. The life that I am comfortable living is here. And that is why I know I have to go. God is calling me to something higher and this step is going to prepare me for that calling. I have tattooed my body with words like “Here I am. Send me.” But when it is time to go I have been so resistant. I have battled so much to try to convince myself that this is not what God is calling me to do. I have so many fears and I am honestly terrified of the future because it is so unknown. I have no idea what my life will be like in one month. But we have a great God. His power is unending. His grace is infinite. His love for me knows no end. I have no doubt that His plan is the absolute best for me. He has led me to this place and I have to be obedient. There are so many things I love with all of my heart that are in Florida. My family, my church, my best friend. People that I cannot even imagine leaving. But the Lord is faithful and just. He has called me higher and I am following.

I am not alone in having to trust the Lord in His plans. The Bible is filled with passages about people who had to leave everything that was familiar and comfortable and take huge steps of faith. And thousands of Christ-followers before me have taken these same, faithful steps. My own parents have been amazing examples of truly following Christ wherever He leads. I have witnessed my parents change their entire lives to follow God’s calling and I know that this is my time to do the same. God’s purpose for my life is far greater than my comfort or comprehension. My life has been ransomed by Christ and I must follow. Even if that means going somewhere scary or being the new person for a while I still must go.

2014 did not unfold the way I thought it would. I knew I was moving home in order to eventually go somewhere else. But I did not know that it was going to be so difficult to leave. I am so thankful for every experience of 2014. It has held many struggles and many heartbreaks but it has been the most refreshing year of my life. I needed this time to allow God to build me and grow me. I have been stretched and honestly it hurt at times. But this has all been preparation for the future. I have no idea what God has in store but I am moving where He is leading. I can’t wait to see where this opportunity takes me. I am so scared but so excited. So, friends, I ask you to be in prayer for me as I am moving. It is going to be such a challenging time. But the Lord is faithful.

Here I am. Send Me.

Being Alive.

So I have been home for one month and one day. And it has been a whirlwind of a month. Yet, it feels like it has been forever since I have been in Haiti. Last summer was so overwhelming when I came home I had such a hard time being content where I was. This time I have adjusted much better but I have not been thinking of Haiti (on purpose). Whenever I think of it I feel so sad. I feel so heartbroken. I miss the sweet faces of the kids that I saw every single day. I miss kissing their foreheads and saying "Mwen renmen ou" (I love you) or "Jezi renmen ou" (Jesus loves you) on a daily basis. I got to love and be loved on by them and now I feel disconnected. And honestly I am not really sure I can ever be over that type of sadness. I long to be with them more than anything. To love, to protect, and to simply live life with them. It is so hard to be away. They are my family and it is so difficult. I really can't explain it adequately. Today I decided to print pictures from the summer and it prompted me to write out some of the emotions that came with that chore. Seeing the faces and smiles of the people I love with all of my heart brought me right back to that "feet on the soil" feeling. And so far I had avoided this in order to feel okay, honestly, in order to not upset myself. But there is no avoiding it.
I miss them with all of my heart. And no matter how amazing my life in America is I can't help but miss them. I want to share my experiences with them. I want them to know that I still love them even though I am not present physically.
But God is so good. He gave me the best friend I have ever had in my life to share in this time with me. She is honestly the reason that I haven't had a full breakdown. She is there for me with all of my emotions, with all of my tears, with all of my heartache. She knows me and understands my heart. And honestly without her I would be lost. God is so good. She desires depth and challenges me when I am wrong. She makes me better. God is so good. He gave me accountability and friendship and a sister that I needed in the time I needed it most. God is so good.
Through all of this I still worry. I still stumble. I still make the wrong decision. I still find myself needing more. I still find myself desiring to wander. I still feel weak and unable to find my way. I have no idea where I am going. I have began a journey and I don't know where the finish line is. I don't know what is down the road. But God is so good. He knows. And my security has to come from that. I have to learn to live passionately. I have to learn to be alive. And live exactly where I am today.
I have begun a devotional called "Whispers of Hope" by Beth Moore. And most of the days are very good but today was great. It talked about how God's love is so stubborn that He still loves us despite what we do. Despite who we choose. He still chooses us even when we don't choose Him. Honestly, I find myself choosing something other than God every single day. I choose to live in the memories of my Haiti home. I choose to live in the chaos of church ministry. I choose to live in the world most days. But God is so good. He is so stubborn that He still loves me. He still pursues me.
That is what I live for. That is worth being alive.

Breaking my Heart Again

In the days since my last post it feels like I have experienced every array of human emotion possible. It has been a very trying few weeks. I had been hitting the “mid-summer slump.” It is the week in the middle of the summer where you are worn down and exhausted and still have a month and a half to go. It was hard to make myself really experience life. It is so easy to sit in my bed in our little room and be alone and not invest in anyone. But I am so lucky to have people around me who challenged me to continue doing ministry. But on July 2, a team from my home church, Sent Life Church, got to Haiti. That team was much needed! It was so great to have my church family come and serve alongside NWHCM. It was refreshing to be around them.

We also had some amazing times of ministry. We did VBS two days in a row for the kids of Anse-a-felour, the voodoo capital of Haiti. The first day we went to the voodoo monument to share about spiritual warfare and the reality of voodoo. So often Americans think voodoo is like Princess and the Frog or a little beat up doll that people poke with needles. That is not the kind of voodoo that the Haitian people face every day. These people face the all out power of Satan each morning when they wake up and each night as they try to fall asleep. These people are paralyzed by fear and by what they can’t see. They are blinded by such deep darkness. It is so hard for me to comprehend. I have never grown up being told that curses are real or that creatures come and kill children at night but that is what is taught to these people from the day they are born. It is so real to them. The power of Satan attacks their minds constantly. As we were up on the monument, two men walked up to light a candle in order to heal their friend who was sick. To see with my own two eyes the extent to which these people are trapped was so eye opening. It truly broke my heart for the Haitian people once more. After that we went out for our first day of VBS. We went out to a new community that one of our Haitian pastors is planting a church in. We got to share how God made each person special with about 100 kids. We also got to meet a cute and wild little girl named Benjina that my dad had met in February. Benjina had some eye problems and the eye surgery team that was at the Mission was able to help her. I had heard so much about her but to actually meet her was so cool! She had so much spunk. Definitely one of the coolest little girls I’ve met! When we first walked up to the soccer field where our VBS was going to be held I saw a little girl all by herself so I picked her up (If you know me you know it isn’t strange that I picked up this little girl I had never met.) Her name was Brianna. Literally the most beautiful little girl ever! So sweet with such a soft spirit! And for some reason we became best friends. The second day we were driving through the town and kids were chasing our truck following us to VBS. When I hopped off the truck my friend Brianna was there to greet me with a sweet smile. She was so adorable and just wanted to cuddle. It was awesome! We had 115 kids at our second day of VBS where we shared how Jesus makes us clean. Not to mention that many of the parents stayed around to hear the Gospel.

Not only was our ministry amazing but sharing that experience with my church family, with kids who I am currently investing in, with people who are investing in me, made the trip so much more meaningful to me. 

We once again went to church on Sunday and then on Monday we headed out to NWHCM’s far west campus, Mole St. Nicholas (also known as The Mole). It literally was so gorgeous! It sits right on the ocean. Water was crystal clear. Can’t get much better than that! I was so excited to go there to see my baby from last year, Caleb. As soon as we got there I went to see him. He has grown so much! He is walking and talking and running and playing. All the things you expect out of 4 year old boys, that is what Caleb is doing. It was so great to see him thriving out there. So our reunion was obviously emotional for me. But then meeting all the other young orphans and to see how much they desired to be held and loved on….literally broke my heart. That was definitely my favorite place to be while I was at the Mole. Our first few days there were kinda slow. We all were still recovering from the bumpy trip out there. 

One day we got to go to Preskul, a small fishing village at the very tip of the peninsula surrounding the Mole. It literally looks like something you see on National Geographic. They live in thatch huts and basically live off of fish. It takes many 3 hours to walk to clean water and 3 hours to walk back to their house. There were many malnourished children and many adults looked malnourished as well. It was so interesting to walk around and talk to the people. My group stopped and talked to a man who was bathing his little baby. He told us that he is a Christian and that he desperately wanted a church in Preskul. He told us that there are many Christians in the city but there is no pastor to lead them and love on them. That is so opposite of everything we as Americans think about church. So often we see a pastor without people but here we see people so hungry to be discipled and poured into yet no pastor that is able to lead them and know them. I ask you to be in prayer for the city in Preskul. A community of believers in a city like that, to bring life and hope to those people is priceless. Honestly, Preskul was overwhelming to me. I loved it so much but to understand that people actually live with 10 people in small huts shatters any concept I have of comfort and need.

We did the same two VBS days that we did in Anse-a-felour, in the Mole. We had 100 kids each day learn about “God made me” and “Jesus makes me clean.” It was so cool to hear the kids scream that Jesus makes them clean. It brought me to tears knowing that the Gospel was presented to them so clearly for two whole days. It was such an awesome week of ministry. We did hut to huts one day and we got to meet a sweet family. The mom's name was Eveline and her baby's name was Gabriel. We found out they were Christians so we then asked them if they had any prayer requests. Eveline's answer was simple, "Deliverance." Knowing the abuse that happens in the Haitian culture, it broke my heart to hear that her one prayer was for deliverance. 

The last day we did swimming lessons with the orphanage kids. I got to help Pierreson learn how to swim. I found out how utterly sweet that 9-year old boy is! He just wanted to be loved on and love on me. By the end of my time in the Mole he felt like a younger brother to me. He is so sweet! The night before we left the Mole, I went to say goodbye to the orphanage kids. It was so emotional for me. Saying goodbye to Caleb was so hard! But I made it through without any tears. Then I saw Pierreson standing in the doorway looking so sad. I walked up to him and just held him. And I told him “Jesus loves you. And I love you. And I am going to come visit you again.” When I told him I loved him he looked surprised. And he began to cry. And so did I. He hugged me even tighter and we both just cried for a while. I had to say goodnight and let him go to sleep. It was so hard to recover. Seeing him cry because I told him I loved him just broke me. Leaving the next day was so hard. I just wanted to love on all the kids even more. I wanted to get the chance to tell each of them that I love them. I want them to know that Jesus loves them.

Since being back in St. Louis du Nord I have been taking it easy trying to recover from the trip. The next teams have already arrived and are doing great. We have a team that comes and gives weddings to couples in the community. We got to witness this team give 5 couples weddings that they could not have otherwise. In Haiti, if a couple is not married it is severely looked down upon. Many Christians cannot participate in discipleship because they are not married. It is truly life changing to give someone a wedding. It was so beautiful to see the couples begin their life together. Today, I went down to the Nutrition Program to hang out with some of the kids. I have been trying to get this one boy named Jean to love me. He has been afraid of me every time I go see him. But today he let me hold him and play with him. His laugh was so beautiful! I’m so glad I did not give up on loving him.

I am excited for the weeks to come. I have 27 days left. I am going to live them to the fullest. Please be in prayer for the people of Preskul and that God would raise up a Godly man to lead the people of that city. Please pray for Eveline and her sons Guyado and Gabriel. Pray for deliverance. Also pray that God continues to strengthen my body and give me the energy and focus for the rest of my time here.

My sweet baby, Jean

Caleb and I as we reunited.

Caleb looking cute at VBS.

Sweet baby Gabriel

Pierreson

Me and Brianna

Some of the cuties from the Mole.

God made a way for Djovens and Djovensky.

One month ago today I hopped on a plane with some amazing people and headed out on this adventurous summer in Haiti. I have had such an amazing week since my last post. The day after our waterfall adventure all of us interns spent the day preparing for our teams to arrive. And after dinner we bought ourselves some ice cream and mixed in some candy to make it a little more special. Some mixed in Oreo’s, some did Reese’s Pieces, and some did M&M’s. It was an all around great idea that turned out fantastic! It was so good to eat ice cream and candy and just enjoy each other before the hectic schedules and crazy team members arrived.

Our teams arrived and we got moving on ministry. My team was very evangelism focused. They had brought solar-powered lights that were such a blessing for a community that can’t access electricity. My team got to explore Tortuga and hand out solar lights while sharing the Gospel along the way. It was awesome to see them jump into action out in one of my favorite communities. On Sunday, we all went to church. It is always such a blessing to worship with my Haitian brothers and sisters. As we were in church I just suddenly realized how much this felt like home. To look around and see so many friends and people who I consider family worshiping Jesus together. To sing and dance in the name of Jesus with my favorite people on Earth was so beautiful.

On Monday, my team set out to hand out solar lights in the community of St. Louis du Nord. I led them wayyyyyy up the mountain to Louloune’s house. They wanted to give her a light. It was so amazing to see a woman who I love so much be loved on by the people I am leading. Seeing other people catch a glimpse of the work God is doing here. It challenged me so much to push even further to find more people to catch the vision. As we were walking back to the mission, my team spotted two people that needed surgery. One was a 2 year old little girl named Cherika who had an umbilical hernia. We also came across an older woman, Marie, who used to work for the mission who had fluid built up in her abdominal cavity. The team paid for BOTH of them to have the medical attention and get the necessary procedures.

Tuesday was by far the most stressful day of my trip so far. But it was probably one of the best days I’ve had since returning to Haiti. After breakfast, I went downstairs and coordinated the two surgeries for our friends, Cherika and Marie. That was quite stressful to say the least. Running around and paying all the right people was so difficult but we eventually got everyone set up. We then collected some TOMS and set out to go hut to hut giving out shoes. My mom and sister got to come with my group. I was so excited for them to be out doing ministry with me. I split up my team into three groups and we all went our separate ways. I lead a team back behind the mission where no teams ever really go. And to be honest I was wondering why God even had us out there. We found some cute kiddos and got to give them shoes but it just didn’t feel like we were being the hands and feet of Jesus. I felt more like a humanitarian, like we were missing the point of why we were there.

At the exact moment I felt most exasperated, I saw a young boy standing in the doorway of his house holding what looked like a new born baby yelling “HE NEEDS SHOES! HE NEEDS SHOES!” So I walked over because it just didn’t look right. As I got closer, I saw that this baby was sickly and that there was a twin. I called my mom and sister over to help assess the situation. I immediately sent messages to the appropriate people to try to get the babies into the Nutrition Program. I found out that they were 7 months old, twin boys named Djovensky and Djovens. They weighed about 5 pounds each. I asked the boys’ mom to come back to the mission with me. Walking back to the mission I kept just praying for God to protect these two babies. The mom obviously couldn’t provide for them. Upon arriving at the mission I found out that God had been preparing us for these two boys. A few months ago, one of the Miriam Center children, Jezila, kept getting aspirating pneumonia and it was causing a lot of issues with her breathing. So she had surgery to put a feeding tube in place to avoid this issue. This was all great but the mission didn’t have any formula to give her so many teams brought in massive amounts of baby formula. Last week, Jezila went to be with Jesus and it was so difficult to understand. It was so hard to see God’s plan in all of that. After Jezila’s passing we had a huge supply of formula and no babies to give it to. But then God put Djovens and Djovensky in my path. God provided so heavily. I am so humbled to be used by God. I am still in awe of God’s sovereignty.

Today we got to go to the brothel and I got to bring my mom to experience the awesomeness of those ladies. It was so awesome because all of us who went immediately said “God is here.” He was so evident. He was so present. Even where you would least expect to see God, a brothel in Haiti (and if you’ve been there you know how dirty and gross that place is). God was already there even with the nasty things that happen there. Only God knows what was happening 30 minutes before we got there and only God knows what happened 30 minutes after we left. But God was already there. We didn’t bring Him. He brought us there and then revealed Himself. For the hour we were at the brothel today, we all just worshiped Jesus together. So in awe of Christ.

Djovens

Djovensky and my Mama

Finally back. Finally here.

Since my last blog, I have finished my first semester at Moody Bible Institute, prepared for my summer in Haiti, embarked on a cross country road trip with some of my best friends, and on May 25^th, I headed to Haiti with my fellow interns. It has been a challenging few months since my last post. But being back in Haiti, serving and loving on these people in the name of Jesus has been worth all of those challenges. When I first got back it was so overwhelming to actually set foot in a place I’ve only dreamt about for 10 months. It was so surreal but seeing all of my friends from last summer and beginning intern training quickly jolted me into reality. I was finally back where my heart feels full, back where God reveals Himself to me over and over again. That’s what makes this place so amazing: to glimpse the glory, power, and sovereignty of Christ, while serving Him daily.

It has already been a crazy week. We have been all across the Northwest zone of Haiti, I have realized how much Creole I forgot, I have hugged and held so many beautiful children, and I have of course eaten some amazing Haitian food. I have reunited with my Haitian friends all over town. One of the Bracelet Bandits, a group of teenage boys who sell custom bracelets to the Americans, was walking with me and he told me that I know too many people and that I was the most popular person in Haiti. But it was so amazing to reunite with people who I have longed to see for so many months.

But truthfully the best reunion I have had was my reunion with the promises of God. Once I stepped into Haiti, I suddenly felt disconnected. I can’t explain why or understand it but I felt like my mind was still in America and my body was in Haiti. I wasn’t present. I was distant. It wasn’t working. But through each experience and each adventure, daily I could begin to see God’s promises come to life. Every day as I would wake up feeling disconnected, God would remind me of Philippians 1:6, “I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” This verse would encourage me because I knew that last summer God began an incredible work in me and I had to continually remind myself that God would not begin this work and then let me get lost along the way. I kept being reminded that He will carry it on to completion in me. And for the first few weeks I honestly felt like I was lying to myself. I felt lost and couldn't really understand why God brought me back to Haiti.

A few days ago, we put a basketball hoop up in the Nutrition Program. We went down and played, actually played, with some of the older orphan boys. Something as simple as that truly brought my mind and heart to Haiti. Basketball has been my passion for so long and going to play revived me. It sounds silly but it really did. We played for an hour, three days in a row. And I felt so refreshed. And then today… We began today by going to the brothel in town. I had to lead the Bible study we had. I spoke on Hebrews 2:14-15. It was so encouraging to see prostitutes saying “Amen” and singing praise to Jesus. We just sang, danced, and prayed together. Loving on those beautiful ladies and their children was such a blessing. I realized when I was standing in the brothel in St. Louis du Nord, Haiti that my ministry is not useless. God is using me. I am still overwhelmed by the feeling. It gives me chills when I think about it. I am doing ministry and I finally feel present.

We had such an amazing time and then went back to the mission for lunch. After lunch all the girls set out for an adventure to the waterfall at the edge of town. We hopped on motorcycle taxis and began our adventure. We had such a blast at the waterfall we just played with all the local kids and got to love on them and bond together. It was so beautiful. Not just the scenery, not just the people but the purity of the love that we were all experiencing. I truly felt like we were loving in the name of Jesus with the purest love I have experienced as a human.

God has been blessing my time here in Haiti. I cannot wait to see where this summer leads. I am so excited for the next few weeks. My mom, brother, and sister arrive in less than a week and in two weeks the team from my church is heading down here and my best friend will be here for 10 days to experience this place that I love so much. Continue to pray for me and pray for continued guidance and reliance upon Christ. His power is perfected in my weakness. I praise Him for my weakness. I praise Him for His faithfulness.

Here are some pictures of my first few weeks here.